GOOD DAY BELOVED SAINTS, JUST AS I WAS THINKING ON SOMETHING TO WRITE IN RELATION TO A NEW SUB COLUMN ON THIS BLOG BEYOND THE MATTERS OF ETERNITY WHICH COME AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK ON THIS BLOG STARTING FROM THIS MONTH, I CAME ACROSS THE ARTICLE BELOW AND IMMEDIATELY HAD THE CONVICTION TO USE AS THE FIRST ARTICLE, THE OBJECTIVE BEING TO CHALLENGE THE PEOPLE OF GOD NOT TO BE 'EARTHLY USELESS' IN CERTAIN AREA(S) OF LIFE, NOT ONLY IN THE OTHER ROOM WHILE REMAINING HEAVENLY RELEVANT.
"If you do this folks, you'd be shocked how easily and righteously you can worship your God without stress or inhibitions". Yes o, am of the opinion that when you have taken time to 'eat very well', the mind is more focused. LET'S ENJOY IT WHILE IT LAST. MARRIAGE/SEX NO DE FOR HEAVEN O...Abi na lie?
I DO HOPE YOU LEARN A LOT FROM THE WRITE UP. IT IS PARTICULARLY RELEVANT AS WE ARE STILL IN THE SEASON OF "THE OTHER ROOM". CHEERS...
Here I am this morning, November 3rd, 2016 in Lagos Nigeria, in a mood never expressed prior. Yes, this morning I am going to talk about SEX. And why not? I've come to realise, based on my daily interactions with folks, that most people are living in self denial respecting this issue. Nobody wants to discuss this subject, yet loads and loads of folks are "dying" by instalments on account of sexual deprivation in their marriage. Someone might ask, what's wrong with Charles Ideho this morning? Well, nothing dey do me. Am merely making myself useful in suggesting ways out of this quagmire.
I must emphasise that feeling sexually deprived in marriage is not uncommon. The "myth" is that it is only married men who feel sexually deprived. But the "fact" is, married women too experience sexual deprivation. Whether you are a man or a woman, yearning for sexual intimacy with your spouse is a healthy desire. Longing for sexual intimacy left unfulfilled in quantity and quality is a challenge, and a taboo topic for many. A taboo topic, especially if you are a Nigerian. And if you are a Christian, or a man/woman of God in this clime, haah, it's a No-Go Area! But why do we wish to live in self denial when we can broach the subject and put the devil to shame?
A Psychotherapist once shared a secret: if you and your spouse lead an inactive sexual relationship, and your mate is not asexual, then your mate is not happy about this lack of intimacy. Well, is that really a secret sef? I doubt that very much.
Now, let's consider some scenarios...
Case Scenario A: Mrs. Idahosa (not real name)
"I am not interested in being sexually intimate with my husband. I do have some sexual desire, but not as much as him. I do love him, I want to remain married to him, but I wish he would leave me alone sexually. As the years have progressed, he does leave me alone now . . . for the most part. So we rarely talk about our lack of sexual intimacy. But on occasion he does bring our lack of sexual intimacy up in conversation still. Sometimes in jokes. Other times in frustration. Several months pass at a time and maybe we’ll have sexual intimacy once, to then go several more months perhaps a year or longer before we will be intimate again. We could go on a holiday (without our children, to Badagry or Epe, for instance), if that. Definitely not weekly, nor monthly."
Outcome For Scenario A:
Mr. Idahosa lives an existence in marriage where he is sexually deprived. He either:
a) goes for "harmless flings with a happy ending”,
b) has had, is having, or is considering having an affair,
c) will eventually leave the marriage once the children are older, or
d) lives sexually unfulfilled and masturbates (which leaves him unfulfilled), despite this he remains.
a) goes for "harmless flings with a happy ending”,
b) has had, is having, or is considering having an affair,
c) will eventually leave the marriage once the children are older, or
d) lives sexually unfulfilled and masturbates (which leaves him unfulfilled), despite this he remains.
The lack of sexual fulfilment, the lack of sexual intimacy, actual sexual deprivation is a real issue, and the earlier we see it as what it is the better for the sufferers. Without sexual intimacy in marriage, the person feels unloved, unwanted.
For those living a similar existence to case scenario A, consider what action to take, both husband and wife to attend to this lack of sexual marital intimacy. Rather than allow the relationship to continue to decline and disconnect sexually as the years continue, take action.
Case Scenario B: Mr. Okokobioko (not real name)
"Well, I do not have much of a sexual drive. I do not have sexual needs, as far back as I can recall I never really did. My wife does have sexual desires and she is longing for sexual activity with me. But you see, I do not fulfil this need of hers. I am loving in every other way, this is who I am (and I can't help it, can I?)"
Or, let's slightly amend the scenario:
"I never had a blazing sex drive, but it was certainly more than it currently is. I just don’t have an interest in being sexual with my wife, although I did at one time. I do still love her and wish to remain married to her."
"I never had a blazing sex drive, but it was certainly more than it currently is. I just don’t have an interest in being sexual with my wife, although I did at one time. I do still love her and wish to remain married to her."
Outcome For Scenario B:
Wife lives an existence in marriage where she is sexually deprived. She either:
a) has had, is having, or is considering having an affair, or
b) will eventually leave the marriage, or
c) lives sexually unfilled and masturbates (which leaves her unfulfilled), despite this she remains.
Wife lives an existence in marriage where she is sexually deprived. She either:
a) has had, is having, or is considering having an affair, or
b) will eventually leave the marriage, or
c) lives sexually unfilled and masturbates (which leaves her unfulfilled), despite this she remains.
As explained in scenario A, action does need to be taken.
Recommendation For Scenario A and B:
Whether your life has more similarity to scenario A or scenario B, or no similarity to either scenario and is your own unique scenario but under the topic header of ‘sexual deprivation’ due to a little to non existent sexual relationship with your spouse, the bottom line is the same. The bottom line is: if you are married and one of the members within the marital unit would like to have a sexually intimate marriage, and the other does not wish to, this is a conflict that is not silly. This is a problem that is not to be ignored. This is a problem that affects the person who feels sexually deprived, the person’s mate, and the couple unit.
Is there something so wrong with “spicing your spouse up” with sexual pleasure even if you are not in the mood? Am I stating something wrong here? Am I too unAfrican in my approach? Think of all of the things that you do on a day to day basis for your spouse that you may not feel in the mood to do. Of course, certainly, ideally my hope for you as a couple is to find your peculiar sexual couple style. My desire for you is to connect in a sexually intimate way that pleases both of you in quantity and in quality. That is the goal. The goal is to find a healthy sexual balance of quantity and quality that fits for both the husband and the wife.
SIMILAR TO THIS: DID GOD HAVE SEX WITH MARY? https://goo.gl/cYmFVC
With that in mind, I am addressing the one specific topic which is to take action if there’s no sexual intimacy. Yes, agreed, creating a healthy fulfilling sexual marital relationship is the ideal. I am focusing on the specific piece of sexual deprivation that I far too often hear men and women complain about during some of those "naughty discussions". And let me tell you, it hurts them. Is it not the responsibility, the obligation of the spouse to do something about this rather than keep their spouse dry and not to give any water at all? Or running to your pastors and bothering them with issues that could have easily been sorted out between both of you in "the other room"?
Those married men and women who are sexually deprived often feel guilty expressing their disappointment, and since it is a taboo topic, they suffer in silence hoping for help to come while continually desiring sexual intimacy. So, I will be the voice for those sexually deprived husbands and wives and state thus: your desire to have a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse is just that – healthy. It is a normal need, it is not a taboo. You're not asking for too much, neither does it make you an " ashewo" or "okopiane" as we sometimes refer to them back in Benin City. No matter how good you have it in all of the other areas of your life, if there is no sexual intimacy in your marriage, this is not something to feel guilty about when you yearn for satisfaction. Continue to keep the lines of communication with your spouse open and figure out as a marital team what can be done about this particular challenge. Just as you would converse about any other challenge, such as cooking egusi soup, tackle it together… as a team.
Don’t sweep sexual intimacy under the rug and ignore it. Like most ignored topics, it surfaces out in other ways and/or will eventually lead to an outcome that is not a happy one.
If your spouse is sexually deprived, do something about it. Take action today. Fill their cup. Take your man, take your woman, kiss them, caress them, feed them this meal they are so hungry for. And then, feel good that you did something for your spouse. Perhaps over time as you provide a sexual intimate experience for your spouse you too will see that sexual intimacy is for you too. For now though, for the purposes of the particular focus of this taboo discourse – do it for your spouse. Don’t leave them crying during the night, neglected. Water your dry plant.
If you do this folks, you'd be shocked how easily and righteously you can worship your God without stress or inhibitions.
Comments? Let them pour in. Have a great day!
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